I sent this open letter to Governor Abbott and my State representatives today.  The letter to government officials named the Agency I worked with as well as gave some specific details (without naming any names) about recent cases I’ve seen CPS totally ignore.  This is the redacted version that I sent to the Dallas Morning News, Houston Chronicle and Austin Statesman.  I’d also thought for a long time that all adoptive and foster parents needed a lobby all their own.  I am thinking about starting that.

December 6, 2016

An Open Letter to Governor Abbot and the Legislators in Texas,

I am an attorney who practices family law and criminal defense in the DFW metroplex. The first years of my career were spent prosecuting child rapists in east Texas. I spent a lot of time and sat in a lot of training to learn how to build a rapport and trust with child victims. I never failed to win the trust of those victims and other than one hung jury, I never lost one of those cases. I saw during those years just how broken CPS truly is. Now, I help protect abused kids from abusive parents in my family law practice.

I’ve wanted to adopt a child since I was a teenager. I’ve spent the last two years researching and pursuing private infant adoption, embryo adoption, and foster care adoption. I settled on foster care adoption, inspired in part by my years helping abused kids and in part by Governor Abbot’s desire to help get these kids adopted. I chose a Christian agency in the DFW metroplex and completed foster care training, CPI training, First Aid and CPR certification. I passed my physical, my drug test, my FBI background check, the agency’s environmental inspection of my home, the agency’s fire inspection of my home, and the agency’s pre-home study which they preform prior to sending out a social worker to do the actual home study. I passed it all as of Monday, Nov 28, 2016, and yet as of Friday, Dec 2, 2016, Texas is short one adoptive mom who was willing to adopt two kids. The agency terminated my relationship with them via email and without warning.

I chose the agency because I am a Christian and because when I called them and said the one thing I can not take is a sexually abused child, they didn’t shame me. I explained to them I have secondary-PTSD from working those cases in east TX and I also have young nieces and nephews who’s innocence I must protect. The agency seemed to understand and be willing to honor that request. When I entered into the program, I intended to be a foster-to-adopt mom. I have room in my home for up to two children. I make a decent living and can even work less than 40 hours a week as needed. Additionally, my mother and I live together and she will be retiring in 2018. At that time, she will be my nanny. My mother also passed a physical, drug test, FBI background check and got CPR/First Aid certified so that I could move forward.

During Foster Care training, I learned that while you have foster placements in your home, you cannot be considered for adoptive placements who are already free or almost free to be adopted because no one wants to upturn the foster placement’s life. I can see the wisdom in that. You simply have to pin your hopes on the 30 percent chance that the foster children in your home might eventually be free for adoption. Given that I’ve always felt called to adopt, I realized fostering would not be a wise course for me. I also learned that I would have mounds of paperwork to do each week. I understand bureaucracy creates and thrives on paperwork, but the average person does not. When I’m done with work, I want to spend my time loving and parenting my children – not doing paperwork. I learned that I would have to file incident reports every time a child falls and gets a bump. Given that I wanted toddlers and younger children, I’d likely never do anything other than fill out incident reports.

The requirements to pass a home study as a foster parent or to adopt from foster care are onerous and some requirements are nonsensical. For example, whether you are taking in a 2 year old or a 16 year old, all outlets must be covered. Whether you are taking in a 2 year old who cannot reach the medicine cabinet or a 16 year old with a drug problem, all meds — including Tums — must be under lock and key. However, Neosporin and topical meds must be stored separately even if it is just a zip lock baggie inside the locked container of other meds. Apparently foster parents are deemed too stupid to remember not to give Neosporin internally. Also, any anti-depressants, ADHD meds and the like must be locked in a container that is locked inside another container. Even if you don’t have a child with those meds and do not take them yourself, you must have a double locked system ready to go just in case. Having an extra lockbox and an extra locking bank bag to go inside of it cost around $50. Of course while my Tums are under lock and key, my chef’s knives are in their wooden block on top of the kitchen countertop within easy reach of anyone over the age of 7. I’m not suggesting we lock up cooking utensils. I’m simply showing the absurdity of the current requirements. Guns must not only be locked up, they must be locked separately from ammo which must also be locked up. That part makes sense, though I would argue one solid gun safe with a biometric lock should be allowed to be substituted for two lockboxes. However, the locked up and empty guns must also have a trigger lock. This would make it impossible to respond to a home invasion in a timely fashion and it further increases expense and needlessly wastes money. An emergency kit must be stored with non-perishables, a gallon of water per person and plenty of blankets. This is stupid and needlessly increases expense. The fact is that a gallon of water has an expiration date as does non-perishable foods. Most families anticipate emergencies and buy up extra water before tornado season. That makes sure it is fresh and that chemicals from the plastic containers have not leeched into it. Most families have plenty of blankets which can be grabbed quickly if necessary. Even this I could get past if there were not so many other requirements.

In addition, agencies are allowed to hurl extra requirements on a prospective parent that are not State mandated. For example, the agency did not allow any fruit preserves or jams in the house that were not commercially made and sold in a grocery store. I try to keep our foods as organic as possible and had to throw away all my jams that were purchased at the Farmer’s Market. I do not believe agencies should be allowed to add rules to the State-mandated ones and I believe the State mandated rules need to be cut down by at least 1/3rd.

Even though the requirements are overly onerous, I checked off every item on the list I was given because giving a child a forever home was more important to me than fighting the process. I also kept in mind that we were told in training that CPS will visit once a month and almost gleefully look for ways to give us citations. I’m a Type A person, so their list of requirements became almost glued to my hand. I feared though that my mother my accidentally forget to put her Mentholatum under lock and key one night after using it before bed and I might end up with a citation. My mother and grandmother kept Mentholatum on their bedside tables throughout my entire childhood and never once was I harmed by it, but it could now cause me to lose my licensing.

I don’t know if it is this way with every agency, but I’ve heard from other parents at different agencies that they felt this way too: The agency would never give straight answers about what exactly would be required later on. It’s like they were specializing in the bait-and-switch and withholding information until you got further in so that each step of the way you’d think, “Well, I’ve come this far, I might as well keep going.” Saying that over and over again results in a cumulative effect that you never intended to happen and never would have agreed to in the first place. For example, we were told there would be reports. Each training added another vague mention of another report. At my pre-home study I asked exactly how many reports, not counting incident reports, would be required as a foster parent. I was never given an answer. The girl hemmed and hawed. She said she wasn’t sure since she didn’t have her binder. I asked if it was more than 10 reports per week. I expected her to say, “Definitely less!” Instead she said, “Ummmmmm….” and shrugged her shoulders and shyly did a vague half-nod indicating yes. How many more than 10? I never could get an answer. She said I would get a binder when my certification was finished with all of the reports I’d be writing. In other words, I’d have to wait until I had done all the work to know what was truly required of me. The truth is, if there are so many reports due each week that you have to hide them, then you have too many. One weekly report asking about the child’s emotional, physical and mental wellbeing and progress at school and at home should be sufficient. Does the State and these agencies want foster parents spending hours writing reports or spending those hours parenting these kids who need love and parenting so desperately?

I’ve been told the requirements and reports are the same for adoptive parents as they are for foster parents. However, as an adoptive parent I would be doing these things for a shorter period of time. I definitely liked that.

The overreaching requirements do not weed out the evil foster parents. For example, in my foster care class, a couple was telling us that their kinship foster child freaks out if you take away a toy as punishment. This is because her foster mom before this kinship placement would burn her favorite clothing and toys in front of her as punishment. I asked and that foster mom is still fostering kids. No doubt her Tums and Mentholatum remain locked up though.

After going through all of this, why am I not going to be accepting a child into my home now? I finally told my agency that I did not want to foster, but only wanted to adopt. I told them I was willing to take a child or two aged 5 or under. The 20-something, unmarried, childless family advocate told me that I had to be willing to adopt an 8 year old. I reminded her that I have not only worked with abused kids, I’ve prosecuted them and I’ve defended them in criminal court. Based on all of my experience, I explained that I have young nieces and nephews and that abused and neglected kids often act out in inappropriate ways. I told her that I had to protect the innocence of every child in my family and I felt the best way to do that was to have a child younger than my oldest nephews. That way, if the child or children I brought into the family started acting out, they would not be able to intimidate the older kids into not telling me. I need safeguards to make sure I can address any potential threats to any child’s innocence. I felt this was the best safeguard I could have, given there are no guarantees in life. I offered to provide respite care for foster families so that I could be useful to the agency while waiting for the right child. Because they market themselves as a Christian agency, I asked her to ask the others to trust that God has the right child for me and will bring that child or children to us. She said she would advocate for me four days later (on Friday) at their weekly meeting. On Thursday before the meeting, I emailed her and told her that God was working on my heart. I told her I was almost at the place where I could honestly say that I would prayerfully and with an open heart and mind consider any child —no matter the age — that they presented to me for adoption. The next day, after their agency meeting, I received an email stating that they were terminating our relationship because of my lack of openness to older kids. I passed every test and spent thousands on drug tests, physicals, background checks and items to make my house pass the home study, but they terminated me for not being willing to agree to their arbitrary rule that is not even State mandated. Ironically, on the preceding Monday, she’d made me sign a paper stating that foster parents have the right to be treated with respect. On Friday, I was thrown away.

Other agencies also have arbitrary ages that you must be willing to consider in order to be allowed to adopt. I also understand that there are a lot of older kids who need a forever family. I told everyone at my agency that when my nieces and nephews were older, I wanted to buy a bigger house, come back and adopt a teenager or two. However, because I wasn’t willing to forget the safety of the other children in my family and wasn’t willing to let the agency dictate my life, Texas is short an adoptive home today that could have taken in two kids. Yes, I can go to another agency, but this feels a lot like a miscarriage to me. I have loved a child I’ve never met for years. I was so close to being able to meet that child and bring her home and now my dream has been miscarried. It will take a time of grieving before I’m ready to try again. Of course when I consider the expense of another drug test (the original one was $740), physical and FBI background check for my mom and I, it makes me pause. Besides, I’m scared of being rejected again after doing everything they ask me to do correctly.

Here’s the question that the legislature and the Governor need to answer for Texas: Is it better to have a parent willing to adopt two 0-5 year olds on a waiting list or to have one less parent available and almost 7000 kids on a list waiting for forever homes?

You want people stepping up to help foster kids, but the requirements are too onerous, expensive and still do not manage to weed out evil foster parents. You want people adopting kids in Texas, but though I passed all the tests and am more than able to support a child or two, Texas has one less adoptive home today. Is it better to have an adoptive parent on a waiting list or to have almost 7000 kids waiting for a forever home?

For the first years of my career, I worked child abuse cases. I learned to build rapport and trust with broken kids over weeks and months so that they could testify against the evil monsters in their lives. Sitting in seminar after seminar and reading book after book about abused kids and what abuse does to them, I learned to speak the language of healing to them. I never once failed to build rapport and trust with any of the children in any of my cases. Every man I prosecuted in those early days got very long prison sentences.

By the time my first nephew came along, I didn’t even know how to relate to unbroken children. The first time I held that little 4 month old meatloaf in my arms, I was smitten. I pulled him back from my chest and he worked his little face into a grin and I fell completely apart. How could anyone something as innocent as a child? I knew then that I would torture and kill anyone who dared lay a hand on him. I’ve told my nephew that story often through the years and I always end with, “You’re magic. God used you to heal Auntie Ba’s heart.” When I told him that story this summer, it was the first time he asked me why my heart had been so broken. He’d just turned 7. I told him that was a story for another day when he was older. He trusted me.

I’ve posted other blogs about my research into private infant adoption, embryo adoption, and foster-to-adopt. I posted this blog about why I was choosing foster-to-adopt. In September of this year, I spent a weekend in foster parent training. I almost threw up on the way there. Sitting in training, it became quickly apparent as trainers deferred questions to me, that I had more knowledge as a 40 year old attorney than these 20 and 30 somethings, most of whom had no kids and were neither fostering nor adopting. It also quickly became apparent to me as they talked about all the reports foster parents must do, the weekly visits to see their biological parents in their city of origin, the monthly CPS visits wherein the worker looks for ways to give you a citation, that I am not comfortable with fostering a child. I’m called to adopt – not foster. I didn’t speak that truth to anyone for months because I hoped my heart would change.

Time went on. I was certified in CPI which means I know how to put a child who is out of control and a danger to himself or others into a hold without hurting him. I paid the fee and took the class through the agency to get certified in CPR and first aid. Though that teacher was so young, so nervous, and so poor at teaching that I really feel like I learned nothing at all other than to do chest compressions to the beat of “Staying Alive” by the Bee Gees. Hopefully, the handouts will be instructive enough if there is an emergency since I’m “certified” now.

It was after training that I first noticed that the agency I’d chosen specialized in the bait-and-switch. They never tell what the next step will look like or what will truly be required of you (i.e. reports and such) when fostering a child. In training they spoke as though these things were no big deal. They spoke about home study requirements as though there are no more invasive or expensive than any adoptive parent would go through. They wait to you get deep enough in that disclosing more and more of the redundant and cumbersome things they will lay upon you will cause you to say, “Well, I’ve come this far, so I might as well keep going.”

I prepared for the social study. Not only does the State lay extra requirements on you that other adoptive parents don’t have like outlet protectors for all kids aged 0-17, toothbrush covers for everyone, all cleaning supplies out of the reach of all kids or locked up whether you have a 2 year old or a 16 year old, all meds including aspirin and Tums under lock and key and fire detectors outside of each bedroom no matter how small your house is, my agency has extra non-State mandated requirements like only commercially-sold fruit preserves may be in your home. It’s cumbersome and ridiculous, but not undoable. I’m a Type A personality, so I followed their rules to the letter.

My mother and I had physicals certifying that we could raise children. We had our FBI fingerprints and background checks done. There went more money, but I understood the value of that. We had to have drug tests. Mom has Medicare, so hers was covered. Even with insurance, mine cost $740. Other families in my class spent $1000 on a single drug test. No one warned us that they would be so expensive. I almost dropped out at that point, but reasoned I’d come this far, so I might as well keep going.

I’d raised a little under $1000 through Go Fund me and contributed just over $1100 to it on my own. It’s all but gone now.

After paying $740 for the mandatory drug test, I learned I had to do 8 hours of observation with foster families. All of the families they provided for us to observe were at least an hour or more away. At this point I finally confessed to the “family advocate” that I wanted to only adopt a needy child and not foster. She said I still had to do everything to that I would to foster including the observation hours with a foster family. My sister wondered if they were planning to try to push me into fostering a child. Stupidly, I said, “No, I don’t think they would do that.”

I’d gotten about half of my paperwork in – including pictures of the house, copies of mom and my drivers licenses and birth certificates, house rules, daily schedule, car insurance, etc. The family advocate began pushing to do my pre-home study. The agency I’d chosen wanted to make sure the house was ready before they sent a social worker to do the real home study. That seemed logical to me and as a type A I liked being able to have a pop quiz before the big test. When I wanted extra time to prepare, she got a little pushy, but gave it to me.

Mom and I spent Thanksgiving weekend preparing the house and the baby room and receiving big boxes from Amazon with all the supplies required by the State and the agency. On Monday after Thanksgiving, I passed the pre-home study, fire inspection and environmental inspection with flying colors. The family advocate was impressed and said no one is ever this prepared. Then we sat on the couch and began to talk. My sister was right, they did intend to do everything they could to push me into foster care. So, while the director in her 30s had told me they loved single moms because there is something special about our hearts, the family advocate in her 20s now sat in my house and told me that because I’m a single mom, my best chance of getting a toddler was foster care.

Now bear in mind, I’ve dreamed of adopting since I was a teenager. I’ve never really wanted a baby, but I also don’t want a 7 or 8 year old. I was open to ages 0 to 4 or 5. The family advocate said I had to be open to adopting an 8 year old if I’m not willing to foster. I asked why other agencies only require you to be open to a 6 year old. It’s because it is not a State rule or State requirement. It’s just an arbitrary agency preference. I told her that God placed a dream in me that’s been there for more than 20 years. I told her I chose that Agency because it marketed itself as Christian. I asked if we couldn’t just finish my verification and trust God to provide the right child at the right time. She never answered that question, but instead pointed out I’d done enough to be able to babysit foster kids. I told her I’d be happy to do that to make myself useful while we waited for God to provide the right child at the right time. You see one reason I didn’t want to foster was because while a foster child is in your home, you aren’t considered for kids ready to be adopted. You are expected to place your hopes solely on the 30 percent chance that the kid in your care will be free for adoption at some point. Since my calling is adoption, it seems stupid to commit to that.

Also bear in mind, that unlike most people going through this, I am not going in blindly. I’ve worked with abused and neglected kids – as their advocate and also as their prosecutor when they commit crimes. I know the psychological damage and mental illnesses that come from it. While I’m prepared to take on quite a bit of damage, there are things I’m not willing to accept like Reactive Attachment Disorder or RAD. It is the childhood version of psychopathy. All serial killers are psychopaths, but not all psychopaths are killers. I am unwilling to have a psychopath in my home. I remember being in the courtroom while a young kid was being sentenced for trying to slice his parents throats open. No thank you. I also know that sexually abused kids often act out and perp on other kids because that is how they learned affection. I cannot risk the innocence of my nieces and nephews and no one knows exactly what has happened to a child, so I want a younger child because then my nephews can tell me if anything weird is going on.

In the end, I explained my thoughts fully, cried and begged her to get the agency to trust God’s plan and God’s timing and to allow me to be useful while waiting for the right child to come along. She said her job was to advocate for me and she would do her best. She said she would talk to the team on Friday. She said my points were reasonable, but I saw contempt for me on her face as she left.

That night, I prayed. I felt God say to me, “You are asking them to trust Me, but will You?” I realized that I was not and that I could say that I was open to adopting even an 8 year old and trust that God would bring the right child to me whether it was a baby, toddler or older child.

Two days later, on Wednesday, I felt the Holy Spirit impressing Matthew 25:34-40 on my heart:

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

That has been the desire of my heart through all of this. Friends have told me there are easier ways to become a mom, but I don’t just want to be a mom. I want to be a solution for a child who might otherwise have no options and fall through the cracks. More quickly than I imagined I could, God was bringing me closer to agreeing to their arbitrary non-State mandated, not-Biblically based 8 year old ideal.

Three days after the family advocate of the Christian agency had been at my house, on Thursday, I emailed her and told her the journey my heart had taken in the days since we’d met. I told her soon I’d be able to honestly say, “I will prayerfully and with an open heart and mind consider any child that you present to me.” My only request is that they prayerfully try to honor my desires that I believe were placed there by God when I was still a child. I told her that I could not promise I’d say yes to the first child because I would follow the Holy Spirit’s leading because He knew better than anyone what family and child would best mesh for a lifetime. I asked her not to give up on me. I truly assumed that as a Christian she and her team would be happy with the work God was doing in my heart. Instead, the next day I got a short email from my advocate stating that because of my openness they were terminating our relationship.

You read that right.

No discussion.  Just rejection.

No celebration of what God had done in my heart in a matter of days.  Just a break-up email.

My Christian friends are aghast at the fact that an agency marketing itself as Christian cannot understand the value of having the Holy Spirit involved in the placing of a child into a forever home, but feel like I clearly was not meant to work with that agency. My non-Christian friends are horrified by the judgmental nature of this “Christian” agency which has allowed me to explain that not all “Christians” are real Christians. Many are simply cultural Christians who do not believe the Bible or God or the power of the Holy Spirit. Many are referred to in 2 Timothy 3:5 people who have “a form of godliness, but denying its power.” That same verse says were are to have “nothing to do with such people.”

One of my friends was furious that a child or two would suffer by not having a forever home with me. Well, at least not right now.

I agree with my Christian friends. I’d had discomfort in dealing with this agency for months, but kept thinking, “Well, I’ve come this far, might as well keep going.” Now God has slammed this door shut.

My “advocate” also kept sending me other people’s confidential home studies by accident during these months. I always deleted them without looking at them, but last night I wanted to see if I could figure out what failing I had that caused them to dump me. I opened the confidential home study she accidentally sent me a few days ago that was still in my trash bin. Towards the end I saw it. Whenever there was a disagreement about how to raise a child, that family “was willing to defer to [the agency’s judgement] in all things.” That’s not who I am. And do we really want children raised by agencies instead of parents?

I’ve never been through a miscarriage. This is the closest I’ve ever come to feeling the feelings associated with that. For years I’ve loved the child who I’ve not yet met, who I believed will come to me. Now I’m back at square one, but thousands poorer.

I’m grieving and I’m not ready to try again just yet.

So for now, I think my time has come to learn about life inside the pause – to be still, silent, to think and breathe deeply, to reflect, to pray and to listen for the voice of God.  Maybe I’ll even take a solo trip to a new city after Christmas.  I haven’t done that since law school and it always rejuvenated me.

“Some journeys in life can only be traveled alone.” ~ Ken Poirot

“There comes a pause, for human strength will not endure to dance without cessation; and everyone must reach the point at length of absolute prostration.” ~ Lewis Carroll

“Sometimes you need to press pause to let everything sink in.” ~ Sebastian Vettel

So, this has been a long year. My dream of adoption started in my teens. This time last year, I believed I would do foster-to-adopt and get a toddler. Then I found out how scary that was and I switched to infant adoption, but I was never comfortable with buying a baby or the ethics of agencies lining their pockets so abundantly (among other concerns). Then I considered adopting an embryo and carrying it myself because there are 600,000 frozen babies just waiting for uteruses, but unlike most women I’ve always found the idea of something growing inside you rather… well… parasitic. Finally, paralyzed by fear and disgust, I stopped altogether and took time to breathe.

Here we are a year later and I’m back to my original dream. Now, please do not misunderstand the purpose of this post. I want to inform those who are interested.  However, if you have anything negative to say, keep it to yourself. If you want to “caution me” about something, please assume I’m smart enough to have already weighed all my options, done all my research, understand the potential pitfalls as a former child abuse prosecutor and as an adoption attorney, and make an educated decision based on my research and the calling I feel on my life.  A calling I’ve felt for a very long time.

Jonah had a calling on his live to go to Nineveh, but he was scared and didn’t want to go and thought the Ninevites were sub-human based on their barbarism towards his people.  So what happened?  He ran away, got swallowed up by a whale and then thrown up on a beach.  I’m tired of swimming in the stomach acid of my whale.  I’m ready to hit the beach.

One thing you need to understand about me is that I never just wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a mom to a child who had no other options. People have asked me all year why I don’t just use a sperm donor (usually doesn’t work for those 40 and over) or have a one-night stand (trying to follow Jesus here). The only thing I can tell you is that I want to rescue a child that might otherwise fall off the grid. For me, after weighing all the options and risks, there seems to be one best way to do that.

On Sunday, Aug 14, in the church lobby, a table was set up with information about CERT (Community Emergency Response Training) classes. I’d been interested in becoming part of a team for years.  I picked up a flyer which stated that among other things, we would be taught “light search and rescue skills.”

Moments later we sang a song about surrendering all to Jesus. I said in my heart, “Yes, Jesus, I surrender all to you. What about my dream of adoption? What do you want to do with that? Fear is keeping me from moving forward.”

In that still quiet place inside where the God of all creation speaks to us, I heard, “It’s not about you.”

I understood immediately that I’d been focusing on my wants, my needs, my desires, my convenience and my fear. Before you do anything you are called to do – anything that is eternally valuable – the Enemy of our souls will send a spirit of fear.  Immediately I knew that surrendering this to Jesus meant taking me out of the equation and trusting God to do what only He can do – bring to me the child He plans to lend to me while I’m on this Earth. All parents face that same challenge. Sex maybe the most common way of creating a child, but only God determines the personality, needs, desires and future of the child he lends to you.

“Oh, Lord!” I prayed in my heart. Fear consuming me. I’m supposed to take “me” out of the equation and trust “Him,” but what if “He” screws this up? (I know that’s dumb, but I’m just being honest about my thoughts here, folks.)

Suddenly, I had an image in my head of me peering into a dark crevice in a destroyed house trying to find and help someone. It was what I had imagined when I read the flyer moments before. I knew what the Lord was saying to me. His message was clear. If I am willing to walk into a man-made or natural disaster and try to help rescue people – which would not be the safest place to be in such an event – then why wouldn’t I be willing to take that faith into foster-to-adopt. Sure this way of rescue would be far harder in so many ways, but faster and more rewarding in others.

Since I was a child, I knew I would adopt.

Since I was a child abuse prosecutor in east TX, I wanted to foster-to-adopt.

Since I started looking into adoption a year ago, I’ve been morally and ethically offended by the tens of thousands that go straight into the pockets of adoption agencies – even agencies that claim to be “non-profit” and religiously based.

Yet I was paralyzed by fear because I knew that once I started any adoption process, there was a chance my heart could be broken to bits – the greater chance being in foster-to-adopt because the primary goal always starts out as reunification with the biological parents which means I could fall in love with a child and then have to give it back. However, the best thing for the child is if their parents get it together and learn to do right by the child so the child can go home – so I need to take “me” out of the equation.

Still standing in church, I was reminded that all pain and heartache is more temporal than our finite minds can imagine. I doubt we will ever forget this life when we get to Heaven. However, once we’ve been there 10,000 years or 1,000 years or 100 years or even 1 day, we will finally understand just how temporary the pains of this life were. I think we will also discover that some of our greatest exploits and gains for the kingdom, some of our most eternally rewarding moments, and most of the moments that we most greatly glorified God will come out of the most painful and scariest moments of our lives.

I also remembered that Christine Caine always says that Christians are supposed to be “lost-ologists” – we are to seek the lost. Who is more lost than a child who has been abused, neglected or abandoned and then (for their own protection) separated from their original parents?

So on Aug 14, 2016, I started though the process of deciding whether I would surrender my all to God or not. Would “I” still reign supreme or would He? My head knew the correct answer was “God.” My spirit prayed I’d answer correctly. My heart was uncertain of whether I’d have the courage to take “I” off of the throne of my heart.

During August 2016, I’d already written in my calendar two dates for foster-to-adopt informational meetings… and then skipped both meetings. There was another one coming up 8 days after church, so I once again wrote it on my calendar.

As I waited for the day of that meeting to arrive, I considered the following things:

1. Many married couples are willing to adopt infants and must wait years to realize their dreams. Yet while those couples wait, in Texas alone, there are 30,000 – 40,000 children in foster care every year and about 17,000 more children enter each year. Around 50% of them end up available for adoption. Only a few thousand of those are adopted each year. Several thousand “age out” of the system each year without ever being adopted. Imagine that kind of rejection and you can understand why many of them end up homeless and/or drug addicted. The vast majority of those who are adopted have no disabilities, but all need compassion as they learn to trust and connect. The vast majority have never been sexually abused (very important to me because of my nieces and nephews), but they have been physically abused, grossly neglected or totally abandoned by the people who were supposed to love them most. While it’s difficult to get an infant, almost 60% of kids adopted from the foster care system in Texas each year are between the ages of 1 and 5. I believe getting a mommy and daddy is the best scenario for any child. Since I’m single, why shouldn’t I help one of these who are less likely to be adopted by a mommy AND daddy family?

2. Had it not been even more prohibitively expensive than private domestic adoption and had there not been a much lengthier process for international adoption, that was more attractive to me than domestic private adoption because most of those international kids are orphans living in orphanages. That breaks my heart. On Aug 14, it occurred to me that we have many kids here who are living the same way, it’s just not American to call these residential facilities “orphanages.” Adopting a foster kid either prevents that kid from ever going to an orphanage or it takes one out of an orphanage.

3. I’ve been concerned about getting a severely damaged kid through the foster-to-adopt program. However, I’ve consulted two separate psychologists and they told me:
a. Stay away from fetal alcohol syndrome, but don’t be afraid to take a child that was born addicted to drugs because the latter has few if any developmental problems while the former suffers from angry violent outbursts and severe emotional and learning disabilities all their lives,
b. A lot of the infants adopted through private adoption agencies are unexpectedly having fetal alcohol syndrome and/or a higher incidence of autism for some reason, whereas if you adopt a child who is at least a toddler from foster care, you have a far better idea of what issues they may or may not have, and
c. If you adopt a foster child in Texas, that child will have free tuition to any State university in Texas. That’s attractive because I’m at an age where saving for retirement needs to be a priority.

I’ve also been able to talk to two separate foster-to-adopt parents who’ve called my office recently. Both have told me not to be afraid to tell the social workers exactly what my limits are and stick to them. For example, I’m unwilling to take a sexually abused child or a child who is older than my nephews. Sexually abused kids tend to act out in sexual ways and I’m not willing to risk the safety of my nieces and nephews or my friends’ kids. Those parents told me that I’m being reasonable and to not be ashamed of those two limits. Those two parents also told me that fostering-to-adopt was the best thing they ever did. It grew their faith in God and made them better people in general.

So tonight, I’ll be going to the informational meeting to find out what my next steps are.  The good news is that my financial goal for my gofundme account has dropped by 2/3rd because foster-to-adopt is so much more affordable.  I’ve continued saving even though I haven’t been talking about it, so I’m almost half-way to where I will need to be when the time comes.

I’m excited, scared and nervous.  I’ll keep you updated!

Adoption is a calling – not just an event.  Therefore the journey has unexpected twists and turns.  I didn’t realize that it was a calling until I visited my sister’s family in January.  A lady at her church who adopted a daughter asked me how my journey was going.  I’d been asked that by several friends, but with this lady, I was completely honest.  When I finished telling her all that’s now in this post, she said, “adoption is a calling – not just an event.  The road may look different than you expected when you started out, but it’s ok to follow the road wherever it takes you.”  So, here’s the unvarnished truth…

I have really struggled with the ethics of traditional adoption through an agency.  The agency puts at least $25k directly in their pockets.  That money doesn’t go to help the biological moms or pay for any of the adoptive parents’ expenses.  I wouldn’t have a problem with a modest surcharge, but $25k to take an unwanted child and make him or her wanted seems like a highly excessive surcharge.  Those who are railing at Wall Street, should pay attention to adoption agencies.  In addition to that surcharge, adoptive parents are expected to hire graphic designers to create books putting their best foot forward in order to sell themselves to biological parents.  (Seriously, does anyone else see the problem with the fact that a professional graphic designer is involved in the adoption process?)  Then, since we cannot buy babies directly and since most biological mom’s are on Medicaid which pays for all their medical expenses, adoptive parents pay for the baby by paying for the birth mom’s rent, cell phone, utilities, etc. during her pregnancy.  Again, while I’d have no problem paying for medical expenses, I have a huge ethical problem with paying all her bills.  I’ve heard more than one story of people getting pregnant on purpose with an unwanted child just for the financial benefits.  I’m not saying a majority of people do it, but it does happen.  Finally, adoptive parents pay for legal fees and postpartum counseling.  I have no problem with either of those expenses.  The total bill for domestic adoption is $35k-45k.  International is higher.  To add insult to injury, in many States, including Texas, the system is designed to force you to use agency.  Without an agency in Texas, the birth mom legally has 6 months to change her mind.  With an agency, her decision is irrevocable within 48 hours.  Again, I’m finding it very hard to overcome the loose ethics of this route.  However, it may be the exact journey another family called to adopt may be called to take.  It’s just not for me.

The next route I looked into was embryo adoption.  In vitro procedures have caused a dilemma about what to do with the leftover embryos.  Genetic parents have the choice of destroying the one week old embryo, donating it to science which also destroys it, or allowing it to be adopted.  There are 600,000 frozen embryos in this country.  What if one of them is the next Einstein or Mother Theresa or Dr. Suess?  This route is just like a traditional adoption with social studies and such, but the agency only charges $7k-$12k to help match people up and that includes many of the necessary services.  Also, no graphic designer is necessary on this route.  Genetic parents receive no compensation whatsoever.  They are simply doing what is best for their child.  An added benefit is that they have likely taken very good care of themselves while working to create this one-week old life.  Once the embryo is implanted in the adoptive mom, no one ever has any claim on that child again.  I joke that I’d get a discount for growing the child myself, but the truth is that I understand where the money goes and feel like it is a much more ethical financial option.  Total cost with medical expenses would be $15k – 25k.  Additionally, because I believe life starts at conception, I feel I’d be contributing to a solution by adopting one of these one-week old frozen lives.  If this is the route my journey is meant to take, then the only delay I face is getting in better shape and having extensive medical testing.  They will not risk embryos on anyone who doesn’t have an excellent chance to carry a child to term and that includes having a better BMI.  Ethically, I’m very comfortable with this option.  I’ve never desired to experience pregnancy, but that is a small price to pay to help a child and become a mom.  If I chose this route and if anyone who has donated to my adoption fund is uncomfortable with this path of adopting, then private message me and I’ll send your donation back.

The final route is the scariest one and the one that’s been most on my heart since my early days as a child abuse prosecutor.  It’s foster-to-adopt.  On this road I would certainly be  solution to a problem.  However, there are many pitfalls with this one.  For example, you have to be willing to adopt siblings and I’m not ready for more than one child.  You may end up with a damaged child, but love and security can overcome a lot of damage.  You also may never get to adopt because the State’s goal is always reunification.  However, last week when a man spoke at the Christian Lawyer’s Association luncheon about these children in true need, I cried the whole way through.  There are about 50k children in foster care in Texas each year.  About 17% age out of the system each year without ever having been adopted or having a permanent home.  That’s almost 8500 kids per year who have grown up in State custody and leave without any family.  Those who grow up in State custody have an almost 100% chance of becoming parents who lose their kids to CPS. In that way, the system is self-feeding.  They also have much higher criminal rates.  Most caseworkers have over 30 kids they are responsible for and that is more than you can ask of anyone.  Then we are surprised and blame the caseworker when a kid ends up dead in the system.  He said that advocating for these children is the most real law you can practice – especially as a Christian.  He said that going on overseas mission trips is great, but there is plenty of work to be done here in our own neighborhoods. He encouraged us to intervene by joining the civilian volunteers who advocate for these kids through CASA or to foster or to adopt.  Anyone can volunteer to stand in the gap for “the least of these” through CASA or BACA so that they don’t get lost or forgotten in the system.  It only takes a few hours each month.  Adopting through this route costs around $5k for attorney expenses – the rest of the expenses are usually reimbursable.  Yes, I’d have to hire an attorney even though I practice law.  It just looks better.  Whether I chose to foster-to-adopt, the man’s words touched my soul and I will be joining CASA.  I encourage all of you to do the same.

I’ll keep you updated as my path becomes more clear.

Blessings.

Dear Future Daughter,

This adoption thing is a weird and beautiful adventure.  In future years, you will hear me tell you a lot about how you grew in my heart instead of my tummy.  It’s a cliché, but trust me, Child, it is oh so true!  I don’t know when you will be conceived in your Tummy Mommy’s womb, but you were a twinkle in my heart for 20 years before you were conceived in my heart on 9/9/15.

I wish I could put into words the feelings that I had at the moment of your heart conception.  It’s probably similar to what a Tummy Mommy feels who’s longed for a baby and then discovers that a life is growing in her womb.  My heart felt like it grew 10 sizes and was full of a warmth I’d never known.  I felt full of life.  I knew I was finally ready to be unselfish enough to give you the life you deserve.  Of course, your conception in my heart caused tears to pour out of my eyes.  Those same tears will likely wet your little face the first moment I finally get to hold you in my arms.  My arms are so lonely for you.

Oh, the preparations being made for you, my Little Love!  I’m working and scrimping and saving money.  Friends and family are helping to raise funds.  Wait until I show you the puzzle they are preparing for you!  I’ve gotten you a beautiful second-hand crib and already hung pictures on your walls.  We’re even re-carpeting the bedrooms to make sure your tiny hands, knees and feet have a nice, clean, soft place to explore.  Sometimes when I go into the nursery I can almost sense you there – somewhere in the future.  I can almost hear your coos and giggles and see your smile.  Sometimes my heart can even sense your future cries.  Sometimes – almost like a vapor – I can see you holding the crib railing and bouncing with excitement because Mommy has come to rescue you from nap time.

Other times though, it feels like you are nothing but a far-away cloud that I may never reach.  Even so, I’m heading your way, Baby Girl.  I’m believing I will get to you somehow.

You may wonder how I can love you and prepare for you when in many ways right now you are still just a dream in Mommy’s heart.  You are most likely not even a flicker of life in a womb yet.  It’s simply the wonders of a mother’s love.  Right now, Precious One, I am a Mommy with empty arms.  When we meet, I think my heart will recognize you instantly just like a Tummy Mommy would.  Don’t worry if I don’t seem familiar to you right away.  We will find our way together.

I’ll see you down the road, my Love.

Love,

Mommy

To participate in helping to bring baby home, please go to: gofundme.com/babyforBethany