Adoption is a calling – not just an event.  Therefore the journey has unexpected twists and turns.  I didn’t realize that it was a calling until I visited my sister’s family in January.  A lady at her church who adopted a daughter asked me how my journey was going.  I’d been asked that by several friends, but with this lady, I was completely honest.  When I finished telling her all that’s now in this post, she said, “adoption is a calling – not just an event.  The road may look different than you expected when you started out, but it’s ok to follow the road wherever it takes you.”  So, here’s the unvarnished truth…

I have really struggled with the ethics of traditional adoption through an agency.  The agency puts at least $25k directly in their pockets.  That money doesn’t go to help the biological moms or pay for any of the adoptive parents’ expenses.  I wouldn’t have a problem with a modest surcharge, but $25k to take an unwanted child and make him or her wanted seems like a highly excessive surcharge.  Those who are railing at Wall Street, should pay attention to adoption agencies.  In addition to that surcharge, adoptive parents are expected to hire graphic designers to create books putting their best foot forward in order to sell themselves to biological parents.  (Seriously, does anyone else see the problem with the fact that a professional graphic designer is involved in the adoption process?)  Then, since we cannot buy babies directly and since most biological mom’s are on Medicaid which pays for all their medical expenses, adoptive parents pay for the baby by paying for the birth mom’s rent, cell phone, utilities, etc. during her pregnancy.  Again, while I’d have no problem paying for medical expenses, I have a huge ethical problem with paying all her bills.  I’ve heard more than one story of people getting pregnant on purpose with an unwanted child just for the financial benefits.  I’m not saying a majority of people do it, but it does happen.  Finally, adoptive parents pay for legal fees and postpartum counseling.  I have no problem with either of those expenses.  The total bill for domestic adoption is $35k-45k.  International is higher.  To add insult to injury, in many States, including Texas, the system is designed to force you to use agency.  Without an agency in Texas, the birth mom legally has 6 months to change her mind.  With an agency, her decision is irrevocable within 48 hours.  Again, I’m finding it very hard to overcome the loose ethics of this route.  However, it may be the exact journey another family called to adopt may be called to take.  It’s just not for me.

The next route I looked into was embryo adoption.  In vitro procedures have caused a dilemma about what to do with the leftover embryos.  Genetic parents have the choice of destroying the one week old embryo, donating it to science which also destroys it, or allowing it to be adopted.  There are 600,000 frozen embryos in this country.  What if one of them is the next Einstein or Mother Theresa or Dr. Suess?  This route is just like a traditional adoption with social studies and such, but the agency only charges $7k-$12k to help match people up and that includes many of the necessary services.  Also, no graphic designer is necessary on this route.  Genetic parents receive no compensation whatsoever.  They are simply doing what is best for their child.  An added benefit is that they have likely taken very good care of themselves while working to create this one-week old life.  Once the embryo is implanted in the adoptive mom, no one ever has any claim on that child again.  I joke that I’d get a discount for growing the child myself, but the truth is that I understand where the money goes and feel like it is a much more ethical financial option.  Total cost with medical expenses would be $15k – 25k.  Additionally, because I believe life starts at conception, I feel I’d be contributing to a solution by adopting one of these one-week old frozen lives.  If this is the route my journey is meant to take, then the only delay I face is getting in better shape and having extensive medical testing.  They will not risk embryos on anyone who doesn’t have an excellent chance to carry a child to term and that includes having a better BMI.  Ethically, I’m very comfortable with this option.  I’ve never desired to experience pregnancy, but that is a small price to pay to help a child and become a mom.  If I chose this route and if anyone who has donated to my adoption fund is uncomfortable with this path of adopting, then private message me and I’ll send your donation back.

The final route is the scariest one and the one that’s been most on my heart since my early days as a child abuse prosecutor.  It’s foster-to-adopt.  On this road I would certainly be  solution to a problem.  However, there are many pitfalls with this one.  For example, you have to be willing to adopt siblings and I’m not ready for more than one child.  You may end up with a damaged child, but love and security can overcome a lot of damage.  You also may never get to adopt because the State’s goal is always reunification.  However, last week when a man spoke at the Christian Lawyer’s Association luncheon about these children in true need, I cried the whole way through.  There are about 50k children in foster care in Texas each year.  About 17% age out of the system each year without ever having been adopted or having a permanent home.  That’s almost 8500 kids per year who have grown up in State custody and leave without any family.  Those who grow up in State custody have an almost 100% chance of becoming parents who lose their kids to CPS. In that way, the system is self-feeding.  They also have much higher criminal rates.  Most caseworkers have over 30 kids they are responsible for and that is more than you can ask of anyone.  Then we are surprised and blame the caseworker when a kid ends up dead in the system.  He said that advocating for these children is the most real law you can practice – especially as a Christian.  He said that going on overseas mission trips is great, but there is plenty of work to be done here in our own neighborhoods. He encouraged us to intervene by joining the civilian volunteers who advocate for these kids through CASA or to foster or to adopt.  Anyone can volunteer to stand in the gap for “the least of these” through CASA or BACA so that they don’t get lost or forgotten in the system.  It only takes a few hours each month.  Adopting through this route costs around $5k for attorney expenses – the rest of the expenses are usually reimbursable.  Yes, I’d have to hire an attorney even though I practice law.  It just looks better.  Whether I chose to foster-to-adopt, the man’s words touched my soul and I will be joining CASA.  I encourage all of you to do the same.

I’ll keep you updated as my path becomes more clear.

Blessings.