So, this has been a long year. My dream of adoption started in my teens. This time last year, I believed I would do foster-to-adopt and get a toddler. Then I found out how scary that was and I switched to infant adoption, but I was never comfortable with buying a baby or the ethics of agencies lining their pockets so abundantly (among other concerns). Then I considered adopting an embryo and carrying it myself because there are 600,000 frozen babies just waiting for uteruses, but unlike most women I’ve always found the idea of something growing inside you rather… well… parasitic. Finally, paralyzed by fear and disgust, I stopped altogether and took time to breathe.

Here we are a year later and I’m back to my original dream. Now, please do not misunderstand the purpose of this post. I want to inform those who are interested.  However, if you have anything negative to say, keep it to yourself. If you want to “caution me” about something, please assume I’m smart enough to have already weighed all my options, done all my research, understand the potential pitfalls as a former child abuse prosecutor and as an adoption attorney, and make an educated decision based on my research and the calling I feel on my life.  A calling I’ve felt for a very long time.

Jonah had a calling on his live to go to Nineveh, but he was scared and didn’t want to go and thought the Ninevites were sub-human based on their barbarism towards his people.  So what happened?  He ran away, got swallowed up by a whale and then thrown up on a beach.  I’m tired of swimming in the stomach acid of my whale.  I’m ready to hit the beach.

One thing you need to understand about me is that I never just wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be a mom to a child who had no other options. People have asked me all year why I don’t just use a sperm donor (usually doesn’t work for those 40 and over) or have a one-night stand (trying to follow Jesus here). The only thing I can tell you is that I want to rescue a child that might otherwise fall off the grid. For me, after weighing all the options and risks, there seems to be one best way to do that.

On Sunday, Aug 14, in the church lobby, a table was set up with information about CERT (Community Emergency Response Training) classes. I’d been interested in becoming part of a team for years.  I picked up a flyer which stated that among other things, we would be taught “light search and rescue skills.”

Moments later we sang a song about surrendering all to Jesus. I said in my heart, “Yes, Jesus, I surrender all to you. What about my dream of adoption? What do you want to do with that? Fear is keeping me from moving forward.”

In that still quiet place inside where the God of all creation speaks to us, I heard, “It’s not about you.”

I understood immediately that I’d been focusing on my wants, my needs, my desires, my convenience and my fear. Before you do anything you are called to do – anything that is eternally valuable – the Enemy of our souls will send a spirit of fear.  Immediately I knew that surrendering this to Jesus meant taking me out of the equation and trusting God to do what only He can do – bring to me the child He plans to lend to me while I’m on this Earth. All parents face that same challenge. Sex maybe the most common way of creating a child, but only God determines the personality, needs, desires and future of the child he lends to you.

“Oh, Lord!” I prayed in my heart. Fear consuming me. I’m supposed to take “me” out of the equation and trust “Him,” but what if “He” screws this up? (I know that’s dumb, but I’m just being honest about my thoughts here, folks.)

Suddenly, I had an image in my head of me peering into a dark crevice in a destroyed house trying to find and help someone. It was what I had imagined when I read the flyer moments before. I knew what the Lord was saying to me. His message was clear. If I am willing to walk into a man-made or natural disaster and try to help rescue people – which would not be the safest place to be in such an event – then why wouldn’t I be willing to take that faith into foster-to-adopt. Sure this way of rescue would be far harder in so many ways, but faster and more rewarding in others.

Since I was a child, I knew I would adopt.

Since I was a child abuse prosecutor in east TX, I wanted to foster-to-adopt.

Since I started looking into adoption a year ago, I’ve been morally and ethically offended by the tens of thousands that go straight into the pockets of adoption agencies – even agencies that claim to be “non-profit” and religiously based.

Yet I was paralyzed by fear because I knew that once I started any adoption process, there was a chance my heart could be broken to bits – the greater chance being in foster-to-adopt because the primary goal always starts out as reunification with the biological parents which means I could fall in love with a child and then have to give it back. However, the best thing for the child is if their parents get it together and learn to do right by the child so the child can go home – so I need to take “me” out of the equation.

Still standing in church, I was reminded that all pain and heartache is more temporal than our finite minds can imagine. I doubt we will ever forget this life when we get to Heaven. However, once we’ve been there 10,000 years or 1,000 years or 100 years or even 1 day, we will finally understand just how temporary the pains of this life were. I think we will also discover that some of our greatest exploits and gains for the kingdom, some of our most eternally rewarding moments, and most of the moments that we most greatly glorified God will come out of the most painful and scariest moments of our lives.

I also remembered that Christine Caine always says that Christians are supposed to be “lost-ologists” – we are to seek the lost. Who is more lost than a child who has been abused, neglected or abandoned and then (for their own protection) separated from their original parents?

So on Aug 14, 2016, I started though the process of deciding whether I would surrender my all to God or not. Would “I” still reign supreme or would He? My head knew the correct answer was “God.” My spirit prayed I’d answer correctly. My heart was uncertain of whether I’d have the courage to take “I” off of the throne of my heart.

During August 2016, I’d already written in my calendar two dates for foster-to-adopt informational meetings… and then skipped both meetings. There was another one coming up 8 days after church, so I once again wrote it on my calendar.

As I waited for the day of that meeting to arrive, I considered the following things:

1. Many married couples are willing to adopt infants and must wait years to realize their dreams. Yet while those couples wait, in Texas alone, there are 30,000 – 40,000 children in foster care every year and about 17,000 more children enter each year. Around 50% of them end up available for adoption. Only a few thousand of those are adopted each year. Several thousand “age out” of the system each year without ever being adopted. Imagine that kind of rejection and you can understand why many of them end up homeless and/or drug addicted. The vast majority of those who are adopted have no disabilities, but all need compassion as they learn to trust and connect. The vast majority have never been sexually abused (very important to me because of my nieces and nephews), but they have been physically abused, grossly neglected or totally abandoned by the people who were supposed to love them most. While it’s difficult to get an infant, almost 60% of kids adopted from the foster care system in Texas each year are between the ages of 1 and 5. I believe getting a mommy and daddy is the best scenario for any child. Since I’m single, why shouldn’t I help one of these who are less likely to be adopted by a mommy AND daddy family?

2. Had it not been even more prohibitively expensive than private domestic adoption and had there not been a much lengthier process for international adoption, that was more attractive to me than domestic private adoption because most of those international kids are orphans living in orphanages. That breaks my heart. On Aug 14, it occurred to me that we have many kids here who are living the same way, it’s just not American to call these residential facilities “orphanages.” Adopting a foster kid either prevents that kid from ever going to an orphanage or it takes one out of an orphanage.

3. I’ve been concerned about getting a severely damaged kid through the foster-to-adopt program. However, I’ve consulted two separate psychologists and they told me:
a. Stay away from fetal alcohol syndrome, but don’t be afraid to take a child that was born addicted to drugs because the latter has few if any developmental problems while the former suffers from angry violent outbursts and severe emotional and learning disabilities all their lives,
b. A lot of the infants adopted through private adoption agencies are unexpectedly having fetal alcohol syndrome and/or a higher incidence of autism for some reason, whereas if you adopt a child who is at least a toddler from foster care, you have a far better idea of what issues they may or may not have, and
c. If you adopt a foster child in Texas, that child will have free tuition to any State university in Texas. That’s attractive because I’m at an age where saving for retirement needs to be a priority.

I’ve also been able to talk to two separate foster-to-adopt parents who’ve called my office recently. Both have told me not to be afraid to tell the social workers exactly what my limits are and stick to them. For example, I’m unwilling to take a sexually abused child or a child who is older than my nephews. Sexually abused kids tend to act out in sexual ways and I’m not willing to risk the safety of my nieces and nephews or my friends’ kids. Those parents told me that I’m being reasonable and to not be ashamed of those two limits. Those two parents also told me that fostering-to-adopt was the best thing they ever did. It grew their faith in God and made them better people in general.

So tonight, I’ll be going to the informational meeting to find out what my next steps are.  The good news is that my financial goal for my gofundme account has dropped by 2/3rd because foster-to-adopt is so much more affordable.  I’ve continued saving even though I haven’t been talking about it, so I’m almost half-way to where I will need to be when the time comes.

I’m excited, scared and nervous.  I’ll keep you updated!