My Nephew and the Widow

~ Bethany ~ 1 Comment

My 6 year old nephew made the Bible come alive for me this week.  I spent the last week in Colorado helping my sister and her husband with their children since she delivered their fourth and final child six weeks ago.  On the last day of my trip, just hours before heading to the airport to leave, I was cuddling the baby when my sister disappeared down the hall.  I didn’t think much of her disappearance as we are commonly tending to different children throughout the day.

My sister and brother-in-law are teaching my nephews and nieces how to budget money. The 6 year old has four jars labeled “save”, “spend”, “give” and “invest.”  The 3 year old has a bank too, but isn’t old enough yet to understand budgeting.  The 20 month old doesn’t understand anything about money yet.  The 6 year old boy is really into all this high finance since he just learned the power of saving money to buy bigger toys.

As I was snuggling with the baby, the two oldest children came running to me and each one thrust a dollar into my hand.  I asked what was going on, but without answering and without prompting, the 6 year old muttered to himself something about it not being enough and reached back into his “give” jar and stuffed $3 more dollars into my hand.  I began to protest because I didn’t know what was happening.  My sister motioned for me to stop as the 6 year old, talking to himself, reached into his “give” jar a third time and emptied it ($10 total) into my hand. My sister then told them to explain.  The 6 year old looked sweetly into my eyes said, “We want to help you adopt a baby!”  I fell completely apart.  I croaked out a thank you and then had to sit on the coffee table before my knees buckled.  I thanked him a few more times and assured him that my tears were happy tears.  Never has $11 ever meant so much.

Toby's money

After they went off to play, my sister told me that she’d explained adoption to them and told them that Auntie Ba felt called to adopt a child.  She’d then given them the option to donate nothing or something.  It was completely their choice and they both immediately asked for their banks.

My sister’s show of support meant so much.  Until that moment, I wasn’t sure she was in favor of my decision.  While I don’t need anyone’s approval (other than the birth mom), I desperately wanted my sister’s support.  She graciously gave me both support and encouragement when she gave my nephews the opportunity to invest in my calling and my future child’s future.

On the plane ride home, I started to think of the Biblical story of the Widow With Two Mites.  It can be found in Mark 12 or Luke 21.  Jesus was watching people give their offerings at the Temple.  The rich gave large gifts.  Then Jesus saw a widow put two tiny copper coins into the receptacle.  Jesus said that the widow had given more than the rich because while the rich gave from their abundance, the widow had given all she had.  Though it would be used by humans, her offering was a show of faith in God and love for God.

Like the widow, my nephew gave all he had in his “give” jar.  He didn’t have to do that.  He could have held back some or all, but he didn’t.  My sister offered to supplement his gift for an entire puzzle piece, but it wasn’t necessary.  Originally, the puzzle pieces in my fundraiser were $25 a piece, but a few weeks ago I’d felt the Lord ask me to walk by faith and let there be no minimum gift required so that people who wanted to participate could participate no matter what they were able to give.  In spite of that, my sister gave more for the boys and then asked if she could give a little more so the littlest two could also have a puzzle piece.  I offered to give the girls a puzzle piece without another gift, but my sister insisted.

They bathed me in unspeakable love and encouraged me greatly in my calling.

Here are their pieces. Their names are written on the back. The bird with bright green is the puzzle piece the 6 year old requested. His name is on it.
Here are their pieces. Their names are written on the back. The bird with bright green is the puzzle piece the 6 year old requested. His name is on it.

Like the widow, both of my nephews gave with a joyful heart.  It gave them obvious joy to give to help another child who they won’t meet for at least a year and to help their Auntie Ba fulfill her God-given calling to adopt.

Like the widow, I am certain that as much as it touched my heart, my nephews’ offerings pleased God’s heart more than we can even imagine.  While I will be the one using the offerings, they were giving their offerings to God for Him to use to benefit a child who we’ve not met yet but who He already knows intimately.  I could imagine God smiling down on my sister and brother-in-law for teaching their children to love Him and others in such a sacrificial way at such a very young age.

I’m very proud of all of them.

If you’d like, you can participate here: gofundme.com/babyforBethany

puzzle piece

Outside Looking In

~ Bethany ~ Leave a comment

I’m beginning to understand why the church is such a joke to an unbelieving world.  When I say “church” I’m not talking about buildings.  I’m talking about those who believe that Jesus is the way, the truth and the life.  I’m the church and, if you believe in Jesus, you’re the church too.

My adoption agency is a Christian agency that will work with single adoptive parents.  As I researched other agencies, I found that quite a lot of Christian agencies will not allow single Christians to adopt.  My adoption agency told me there were grants available to help with some of the cost of adoption.  Most of these grants are administered through Christian foundations.  So far I’m not eligible for the majority of them because I’m single.  Finally, I expected people to be excited and supportive.  The vast majority are which may be why the few who have been judgmental have shocked me.  Those few are all churchy folks.

This troubles me for at least 2 reasons.  Becoming a parent is exciting, but it is also scary whether you are married or single.  I believe an in-tact mommy and daddy is the best way to raise a child.  However, divorce is common in America and many homes inside the church are not in-tact.  Secondly, there are 153 million children worldwide needing homes and many couples are unable or unwilling to adopt.  If a single Christian woman who makes a good living and can provide a safe, loving and stable home is willing to love and raise an unwanted child, who are we – especially within the church – to stand in the way?  Imagine feeling the normal fears about becoming a parent and then having your fellow Christians and Christian agencies and foundations imply that you’re unfit to parent just because you’re single.

Want to know why I’m still single?

I really didn’t even think about marriage until after I’d completed high school, college, and law school and got my career on its feet.  Only then did I think marriage might be fun.  Only then did I (and other successful and smart female lawyers who I know) realize that being a lawyer would scare a significant amount of men away.  I’m also single because by the time I got around to thinking marriage might be fun, all the great men were already married.  I’m not interested in psychopaths or metrosexuals.  There are some good divorcees out there, but unfortunately most of them had a bad marriage and now never want to be married again.  Since I won’t settle for co-habitation, these relationships are pointless dead ends no matter how wonderful the divorcee is.

I wish the Christian agencies and foundations and those few judgmental Christians would recognize that even though I’m single, I’m a very desirable candidate to adopt a child!  First, my child, unlike too many kids both inside and outside the church, will likely never be subjected to divorce.  Second, unlike some two parent homes, I am extremely fortunate because while she’s little I can work only 30 hours a week Monday through Thursday and make enough to pay my bills, buy the child what she needs and save for her college and my retirement.  Third, I’m not a teacher, but family law slows down during July, August and the holidays, so I can take significant chunks of time off during those times to be with her.  Fourth, the baby’s Nana (my mom) will live with us, so baby will never need daycare and will benefit from a multi-generational home.  Even though I’m single, I’m luckier in some ways than some other single moms and can provide in a few ways that they aren’t fortunate enough to get to do.

Unfortunately many Christian grant foundations will never know all of this because I’m not even allowed to apply for their grants because I never married.

I’m the first one to say that, as Christians, we need to be willing to tell the truth about the Gospel and to confront sin.  For any non-Christians reading this, here’s what sin is…  God is perfect.  We are not.  When we violate His rules there are eternal consequences just like a good parent would give.  Because He’s the perfect parent, he sent Jesus (who followed every rule) to take all the punishment for every rule any of us ever broke.  All He asks now is that we believe Jesus’s punishment was enough and have a relationship with Him.  Sin is the breaking of one of God’s rules.  One of the rules in the Bible is to take care of widows and orphans.  God says that several times.  Adopting a child as a single person is not sin.  In fact, it could be seen as a form of obedience to one of the rules close to God’s heart.

After I began encountering opposition from churchy folk, I tried to imagine what Jesus would say if He was sitting with me and I told Him I was adopting even though I’m not married.  I don’t have a fancy Bible degree and I’m no theologian.  I just love Jesus and have read the Bible.  I believe if He was in front of me and I told Him, His eyes might tear up a bit and He would probably tell me He was proud of me for being His hands and feet in this way.

Church, when we make up sins that aren’t in the Bible and chose to judge that which God would applaud, we make ourselves a joke to an unbelieving world.  Let’s get off our high horses.  Let’s get to know the Bible well.  Let’s stop calling unclean what God would call clean.  Let us clean up our own sins of sloth, gluttony, idolatry (aka addiction and obsession), sexual impurity and whatever else we are hiding.  Let’s love people by serving them.  Let’s love people by telling the truth about sin and the Gospel.  Let’s be authentic about who we are.  And let us not forget to care for widows and orphans.

finds unbelievable

If you’d like to help with the cost of my adoption, please read about The Puzzle Piece Fundraiser and/or the “It Takes a Village” T-shirt Fundraiser.  T-shirts are only available until 10/25.  Also, you can also go straight to my Go Fund Me Account.

Lancing the Boil in My Brain

~ Bethany ~ 2 Comments

About 27 years ago, I was standing in a foyer of our church with other children and we were asking a man what our names meant.  I listened as he proudly pronounced their meaning – almost as a blessing – over each child who asked for the meaning of their name.  I don’t remember the man well.  I couldn’t tell you who he was.  His face is blank in my mind.  I just remember that he was tall and he seemed to like the attention as parents stood listening at the edge of this throng of children.  Eventually, after hearing positive words spoken over several other children, I asked for the meaning of my name.  The man asked my name.  I told him.  Though I cannot remember his face, I’ve never forgotten how his face dropped and he simply said, “It’s a Hebrew name.”  He went on to other children, but naturally the future lawyer in me could not let it drop.

I asked, “But what does it mean?”

I remember his eyes filled with dread when he said, “It’s a city in the Bible.”  He turned again to move on to other children.

“But what does it mean?”  I asked again, this time a little more soberly.  I saw both of my parents begin to inch forward to intervene.  They too had seen the man’s face change when he spoke to me.  My mother’s mouth opened, but before she could speak, the man answered me.

“Do you really want to know?” he asked.

I knew that it was going to be bad, but still I said, “Yes.”

“Your name means House of Poverty.”

I felt like I’d been punched.  My jaw dropped.  He turned away and smiling began to answer the other children.  A big green-tinted pus-filled boil began to grow in the center of my brain and a weight hung around my neck.

My mom culled me out of the crowd and whispered, “That’s not what it means.”

I was stunned.  Numb.  I heard my father call for my sister – my sister who’s first name means “love” and who’s middle name means “favored” and I was House of Poverty.

My father herded us all out to the car as my mom kept assuring me that the man was wrong.  I knew she would say that because she was a mom and moms are supposed to make bad things be… well, un-bad.

I spun it over and over in my mind.  My broken and numbed heart tasted the words.  My young heart accepted it.  I was “House of Poverty.”  That was all I’d ever be.

Unbeknownst to me, my mother had begun asking others familiar with the Hebrew language what my name meant.  Days later she came to me excited.  She proudly said, “Your name is NOT House of Poverty.  That was just a stupid man.  Your name means House of Bread.”

That wasn’t much better.  Bread is bland.  It is the most basic of food.  They serve nothing but bread and water in jail in the movies.  Bread was likely just a nicer name for Poverty.  No, there was no evidence suggesting the first man was wrong.

So, for the last 27 years I’ve gone around with the name House of Poverty.  Whenever I’d have a financial setback, I’d think, “Well, it’s only natural.  After all I am House of Poverty.”  When I took out student loans, I’d think, “I doesn’t matter.  I’ll never be debt free because I am House of Poverty.”  When I’d go through a break up, I’d think, “Well, Poverty doesn’t have to be just financial.”  When I decided to pursue adoption and then found out it would cost $38,000.00, I dropped my 20-year dream for 24 hours because I am House of Poverty.

When I learned I would be adopting a newborn, I was shocked.  I always assumed that as a single woman I’d get a toddler.  I was even more shocked when my mom asked what I’d name her.  It never occurred to me I’d get to name a child.  I figured a toddler would already have a name.  So, I’ve been researching the meanings of various names.  I even researched the names of everyone in my family – except mine.  I already knew that I am House of Poverty.

Through the years, several times I’ve asked the Lord to break the curse of my name.  I never felt like He answered those prayers.  Last night, the weight of House of Poverty finally became too much and I began to research my name.  The first website simply said it was the Hebrew name of a city in the New Testament.  It offered no meaning at all.  The second website gave the original Hebrew words that linguists and etymologists believe Bethany derives from.  Those original words mean House of Figs.  The weight of Poverty began to lift.  Figs are sweet, exotic, expensive, a treat.  They are found in houses of plenty – not houses of poverty.  The evidence for this meaning seemed sound and with relief, I started to accept it.  I looked at a few more websites.  Most said House of Figs, but one (without any sound research) said Daughter of the Lord.

I stopped.  I knew there was no evidence for this meaning and yet…

And yet that is who I am when you strip away all other labels and all other names.

I am Daughter of the Lord.

And so are you.  We are all daughters and sons of the living God whether we choose to accept Him or not.

I am Daughter of the Lord.

At the first of this year, instead of making New Years Resolutions, I prayerfully chose one word that would define the year.  I thought it would be love so I could work on loving people better.  After three weeks of prayerful consideration, I felt lead to the word IDENTITY.  I was confused at first, but everything this year has pointed to regaining and reclaiming my identity.  Identity is the foundation of everything we say and do.  This part of the reclamation process was imperative.  I am NOT House of Poverty.  I am not even House of Figs.

I am Daughter of the Lord.

I wish I could see the name man again now.  He created a boil – a pocket of infection – in my brain when I was 12 years old.  Last night, truth lanced that boil.  If I ever saw the naming man again, I’d tell him what his words had done.  I’d ask him why he wasn’t smart enough to just say, “I don’t know.”  I’d ask if that one afternoon of fame had been worth my 27 years of living with a pus-filled boil in my brain.  Then, I’d punch him square in the nose and standing over him I’d shout:

“My name is Daughter of the Lord, you moron!”

Identity-in-Christ

Judgement Day is Coming! (aka Home Study Preparation)

~ Bethany ~ Leave a comment

Next month a social worker will come into my home and decide whether I can provide a safe, stable and loving home.  As an attorney, I’ve seen clients panic over home studies.  Because of the type of law I practice, my clients are subject to home studies during hotly contested custody battles and stepparent adoptions.  I’ve told those clients not to worry, that the social worker wants you to be successful.  Now that it’s my turn, even though I know what it’s all about, I’m nervous.

The other thing that amazes me is the increased cost of EVERYTHING the minute you add the word “adoption” to any other word.  It’s like wedding cakes.  A nice bakery cake for a birthday costs $50.  3 tiers should therefore cost $150.  However, if you add the word “wedding” to the word “cake,” the cost increases by a factor of 20.  So it is with home studies.  In custody battles and stepparent adoptions, the cost of a home study in and around the metroplex averages around $600-900 total.  Add the word “adoption” to the words “home study” and the cost becomes $2300 for the initial study plus another $500-800 for the post-placement updates.  Aye yai yai!  And this is only one of the many costs that is paid over and above the $22,000 agency fee!

So what is the social worker looking for and how am I preparing for this intimate in-home evaluation?

Well, I’m taking a lot of deep breaths.  I’m trying to remember that as a gainfully employed, non-drug addict, with no criminal history who has a modest, but comfortable home, I am primed for success.  Social workers really do want you to succeed in a home study because so many children need safe and stable homes.  I bought a gently used second hand crib with a nice mattress and a few wall decorations that were 1/2 priced at Hobby Lobby.  I don’t need to buy diapers, toys, bottles or clothes yet.  I simply need to show the social worker that baby will have a room and that her needs will be met.  I’ll dust and vacuum before the social worker arrives.  Then I will simply answer her questions honestly and make sure she knows how badly I want a child and that I am able to care for a child emotionally, physically and financially.  That’s all the social worker wants to know.

Now, if only these deep breaths would start working!

bone of bone

Lessons on Parenthood

~ Bethany ~ Leave a comment

Last week, I talked to some family friends who I’ve known for 30 years.  To protect their privacy, let’s call them Bob and Jane.  I babysat their oldest daughter when I was a preteen.  When I forgot my house key in junior high school, I’d walk to their house and visit with Jane.  My mom wasn’t home when I had my first car accident, so she called Jane who hurried over to hug me.  When I was 19 years old, Bob and Jane adopted a child.  Jane was around my age when the adopted baby arrived.  When I began pursuing adoption in earnest, naturally I asked if I could speak with them.  I didn’t really have any burning questions for them.  I just wanted to talk to someone who’s “been there done that.”

We talked for about an hour and a half.  There were three parts of the conversation that I think will stick with me for the rest of my life…

First, parenthood never ends.  My mom has often told the story of listening to my great-grandmother worry about one of her 60+ year old “kids” when I was a baby.  That was the moment my mom realized that parenthood wouldn’t end until she died.  Jane, who’s youngest child is now 19 years old, told me the same thing.  Parenthood never ends.  She said, “I assumed I’d get them through high school and then they’d go off to college and I’d be done, but it doesn’t end with college.  In fact, it is easier to parent a 6 year old than a college student because your heart breaks with every problem and you can’t fix their college problems.”

Second, they taught me that parents – biological and adoptive alike – accept what they are dealt.  After Jane, who works in special education, scared me by telling me about the risks of fetal alcohol syndrome, I said, “Well, I guess I could adopt an embryo, but I really want a child who needs a home.”

Her face changed and she smiled and said, “Bethany, there’s no guarantee that you would have a perfectly healthy child even if you carried it yourself.  Parents do not get guarantees.”

Bob said, “All we want to do is make sure that you are ready to accept the cards you are dealt because that is what being a parent means.”

Finally, I realized I did have one burning question.  A fear I’d not confessed to anyone yet…

“Did you ever feel like you’d made a mistake or want to send her back?”  I asked.

To my great relief, there was absolutely no judgment as she answered, “Yes!”

“Really?”  I couldn’t believe my ears.

“Bethany, ALL moms – biological and adoptive – feel that way at some point.”

I sighed in relief and confessed that I’m afraid that I might feel that way at some point.

“What are you afraid might make you feel that way?” Bob asked very gently.

I began to cry as I explained, “I’m a perfectionist.  If I thought I wasn’t doing a good job, I might feel that way.”

Together Jane and Bob told me several times and in several ways that I would have to drop my perfectionism as a parent.  Then Jane said, “We all fail and we all succeed.  That’s just the nature of parenthood.”

life of a child

I have decided…

~ Bethany ~ 2 Comments

People keep asking how I came up with the Puzzle Piece Fundraiser.  Well, I totally stole the idea from other adoptive parents who used it to raise 1/3rd of the cost of adoption.  There’s nothing original about it.

Last February, I went to a women’s conference at a church in Georgetown.  I went because Christine Caine was speaking and I dig her.  I think God put it on my heart to go because it was there that I met the founders of my adoption agency.  I knew that agency would be the one I used when the time came.  During that conference, my Savior whispered to my heart, “Will you choose to trust me?”  I had stopped trusting him 8 years earlier when I prosecuted the most horrendous child sexual abuse case of my career.  How could I trust a God that would allow that to happen?  Now, 8 years later in Feb 2015, He was asking if I would choose to trust Him again.  I wasn’t yet planning to start the adoption process this year at the time.  I told Him I would do my best.  Turns out, that’s all He asks of any of us.

Fast forward and 6 months later, I began pursuing adoption in earnest.  It surprised even me when this journey became real rather than a silent wish.  I felt it was time.  I felt like even God was telling me it was time.  I felt like He was ready to bless me with a child.  So, I signed up with the agency and started the fundraiser.  My home study is next month.

The last few days I’ve begun to realize that on this road towards adoption and then on the road of parenthood, I’m going to have to let go of my perfectionism, my plans, and my control.  This is in God’s hands alone.  I can do my part, but in the end the failure or success of this journey rests on Him alone.  Part of this journey of trust is letting go of the minimum donation for a puzzle piece.  See, $25 per piece minus the 8% Go Fund Me keeps would equal 1/3rd of the cost of adoption.  I’m a planner and I did that because I’m hoping to win another 1/3rd in grants and pay the last 1/3rd myself.  But I’m letting go…

You may donate any amount you want and become part of our puzzle and our story.  Your encouragement and prayers already make you a part of our story and your name deserves to be on our wall.  If you have an extra $10 laying around and you want to donate it, do it and you will get a puzzle piece.  If next week you have $5 more laying around and you want another piece, you got it!  If you want to donate more than $25 at one time, you will still get more than one piece!  It’ll go like this:  $1-$25 = 1 piece, $26-$50 = 2 pieces, $51-$75 = 3 pieces, and so on…

This way, you don’t feel pressured to give a certain amount.  It won’t adversely impact your budget because any amount receives a place on our wall and in our hearts.  You can give as many times as you want and as little or as much as you want.  I’m just going to trust Jesus to move the right hearts at the right time.  It’s out of my control and it’s in His hands.  Besides, if the fundraiser raises 1/8th of the cost instead of 1/3rd, then we still will have made a major accomplishment together!  What’s most important to me is that anyone who wants to participate, gets to participate and that my baby’s wall is filled with names full of love.

I’ve decided to trust Jesus.

www.gofundme.com/babyforBethany

puzzle

The Amazing World of Breasts!

~ Bethany ~ Leave a comment

It turns out that it is possible to induce lactation so that adoptive mothers can breastfeed.  It’s just as healthy for baby as birth mother’s milk minus the colostrum.  It just takes a couple of hormone pills daily for 6 months or more followed by 6 weeks of using a rental-grade hospital breast pump every two hours before baby arrives.  Then more pumping combined with nursing after baby is here to build up milk supply.  As I’ve researched inducing lactation and how to make breastfeeding a success, I found out some really neat things about breasts.  Frankly, breasts are simply amazing!  Most of you likely know the following since you are already moms, but I’m just gobsmacked!

Most moms know this, but as a mom-to-be I was amazed to learn that breasts know exactly what composition of milk babies need.  Boobs make one formula for preemies.  They make another for full term babies.  They start with a thin thirst quenching mixture and follow it up with a tummy satisfying thick formula.  This may be old news for many, but to me, this is awe-inspiring!

Kangaroo care can almost immediately fix breastfeeding issues.  Kangaroo care is skin-to-skin contact wherein baby’s chest is laid vertically on mom’s chest between the breasts with the head to one side so baby can breathe.  Amazingly, within minutes of this type of contact, breasts detect baby’s temperature immediately and will either cool off or warm up depending on what baby needs.  How magnificent!  Even more stunning, the two boobs can operate independently of one another!  If a mom has twins, one breast can warm up while the other cools off to meet each individual baby’s needs.  Wow!

I also totally love that at nighttime, breasts make milk laced with extra tryptophan which is the substance in turkey that makes us need Thanksgiving Day naps.  That will likely be my favorite feature.

So it turns out that breasts do a lot more than simply make our stomachs look smaller and hold up our dresses!  I’m in awe!  Inducing lactation doesn’t work for every adoptive mom, but this adoptive mom will be attempting it now that I know just what these amazing organs are capable of doing!

I LOVE this video:

Donate here:  gofundme.com/babyforBethany

We Are All Adopted

~ Bethany ~ Leave a comment

My family has always known I’ve wanted to adopt.  Not everyone wants to adopt or is called to adopt.  A couple of years ago, I wanted to see how my sister felt about the idea of me adopting a child because at that time she had a couple of biological children of her own.  (She has a couple more now and we are blessed!)  I used the subject of people who don’t want to adopt to open the discussion.  I told her that several of my friends had told me that they would consider adoption, but that their husbands weren’t sure they could love a child who wasn’t theirs.  I was so frightened that she might agree with that statement.  To my great relief though, my sister looked shocked!  Then she taught me a good lesson…

She exclaimed, “It’s a good thing for them that God didn’t feel that way!”

“What?”  I asked.

“The Bible says that we were adopted by God.  It’s a good thing God didn’t think he couldn’t love an adopted child.”

Indeed it does…

Rom 8:15 & Eph 1:5 say that if we believe in Jesus we are adopted children of God with all the legal rights of natural born children.
Rom 8:15 & Eph 1:5   Image from America Adopts!

I love this quote from Katherine Heigl:

Katherine_Heigl_adoption-quotes

Not everyone is called to adopt and that is ok!  Not everyone desires to adopt and that is ok!  Just like someone wanting to be a dentist or gynecologist is unimaginable to me, for some people adoption is unimaginable.  That’s ok!  Now that I’m looking at the very real possibility of a cross-cultural adoption, I want to learn to purposely celebrate the things that make us all unique as well as the things that we all share just by virtue of being human.  This post isn’t intended to make anyone feel judged.  It’s just that the lesson my sister taught me stuck with me and this is a blog about an adoption journey, so I shared it.

Maybe you don’t have much family… Maybe your marriage is falling apart… Maybe you long for kids, but you are uncomfortable with alternative ways of getting them… Maybe life is going smoothly right now.  No matter what, you have the ability to have God as a real and perfect Father who loves you and is always with you and gives good gifts to His children and it’s all thanks to Jesus.  If He’s your father, then you have a world-wide family in the world-wide church.  We are (or can be) all adopted!

To help me adopt my baby, please go to gofundme.com/babyforBethany and you can read about my Puzzle Piece Fundraiser by clicking here.

Fundraising Progress & Amazing Donors

~ Bethany ~ Leave a comment

I’ll update this same post each week with the progress of the Puzzle Piece Fundraiser!  Older updates will be at the bottom.  A huge hug and eternal thanks to all who participate in this adoption fundraiser!

11/1 – week six = 1 piece donated!  $875 raised!  511 pieces left!  Thank you Martha Keene!

10/25 – week five = 8 pieces donated!  $866 raised!  512 pieces left!  Thank you Katie Sparkman and Marie Echelmeyer!

10/18 – week four = 6 pieces donated! $666 raised!  520 pieces left!  Thank you Toby, Teo, Betty, Felicity, Chad & Charity and Amanda Ely!

10/11 – week three = no activity

10/4 – week two = 24 pieces donated!  $600 raised!  526 pieces to go!  Thank you Shannon Haga, Natalie Canton, Chris Gates, Ecko Martichuski, Dawn Thomas, Stephanie Smith and Angela & Noel Williamson for choosing to be a piece of our puzzle!

9/27 – week one = 13 pieces donated!  $325 raised!  537 pieces to go!  A special thanks to Amy Maldonado, Stacy Henrichsen, Katy Mabeck, and Betty Howard for being the first friends to donate pieces of the puzzle to help bring my baby home!

4 ways to adopt

~ Bethany ~ Leave a comment

(Disclaimer:  I’m an attorney, but nothing in this blog should be construed as legal advice.  I’m simply sharing what I’m learning on my journey. This is just what I’ve learned about TX.)

According to a 2013 article from Huffington Post, there are 153 million orphans in the world.  Many people are open to adoption and are desperate for a child, so why are there so many orphans?  I think it’s the expense.  I almost gave up on my dream as soon I heard how expensive it would be because I knew that even as an attorney I alone could never afford it.  Luckily, I learned about the puzzle piece fundraiser and the fact that there are grants available to help with part of the cost.  Personally, my goal is to raise 1/3rd with the fundraiser, hopefully win enough grants to cover 1/3rd, and pay 1/3rd myself.  It will still be a struggle, but not so out of reach.

There are less expensive ways to adopt than a traditional agency, but as cost goes down, risk goes up.  Here are 4 ways to adopt:

First, there is the traditional agency.  When birth mom signs her rights to the child over to the agency a few days after the birth, the decision is irrevocable.  This is a comfort for an adoptive parent.  The agency helps get your profile to birth mothers for their consideration.  This is helpful.  The agency insulates the adoptive parent from birth mom’s emotional roller coaster.  This is valuable as the adoptive parent is probably on a roller coaster of their own.  The agency funnels adoptive parents’ money to birth mom by paying her rent, cell phone and sundries.  (Most birth mom’s are on medicaid, so there are no medical expenses to pay.)  The agency makes sure birth mom gets counseling before and after the birth and funnels adoptive parent’s money to pay for counseling.  Absolutely priceless!  An agency adoption will cost a total of $35k-50k depending on if you are doing a domestic or international adoption and which agency you choose.  $20k-25k goes directly to the agency for their services.  Adoptive parents pay all expenses for birth mom, home studies, attorney fees, travel expenses, creating profile books, etc. in addition to the agency’s fee.  I called a few non-profit agencies and they were several thousand dollars more expensive than for-profit agencies.  (???)

Second, there is private or independent adoption where adoptive mom finds birth mom and they just use an attorney.  Adoptive mom can legally only pay medical expenses of birth mom this way.  If birth mom is on Medicaid, then birth mom legally could not get any assistance from the adoptive parent.  Birth mom would also get very little counseling.  Depending on the facts of the case, birth mom could change her mind up to 60 days after the birth.  YIKES!!!  Way too risky – especially without proper counseling before and after the birth!  This method costs $15k or less depending on whether or not there are medical expenses for birth mom, but all in all, this approach doesn’t really benefit birth mom and is a little too risky for this adoptive mom.

Third, foster-to-adopt is almost free, but extremely risky.  This way allows you to spend months in training to get the State to authorize you to foster and/or adopt a child.  The agency advocates for you with CPS to get the right child placed with you after CPS has removed them from their birth homes for abuse or neglect.  Many of these children are healthy, but many have attachment disorders or other emotional or physical ailments due to the abuse and neglect they’ve suffered.  These are children for whom CPS expects to terminate parental rights, but there is no guarantee because the goal of CPS is always reunification.  It could take a year or more for CPS to decide to terminate and actually accomplish it.  You may even have to make the child available for weekly visits with birth mom.  During that time you could have to give the child back if reunification occurs.  If a suitable relative is found who is willing to adopt, you could have to give up the child.  It also invites quite a bit of government involvement in your life.  While it is something I might consider later in life, right now I want a baby that I definitely get to keep.

Finally, there’s a middle ground between traditional agencies and just using a lawyer.  There are agencies that are called “designated agencies.”  Adoptive parent finds a birth mom on their own and then involves the designated agency.  The agency will then make sure birth mom gets all the counseling and financial benefits she needs.  The agency insulates adoptive mom from birth mom’s emotional rollercoaster and acts just as a traditional agency would.  Once birth mom signs the baby over to the agency, it is irrevocable.  One of the great benefits is that the agency fee is reduced by about $8k-12k!  This brings the total cost of a domestic adoption down to about $25k-30k.

I’m willing to do either agency route.  Many agencies offer both services.  To save money on the agency fee, I would need to find a birth mom.  Please spread the word that I am looking for a birth mom who wishes to pursue adoption.  If you know a birth mom who is making the difficult decision to place her child for adoption, please have her contact me at bss0302@yahoo.com